Testamentul marelui Eugene Ionesco, un crâmpei din viața și gândurile acestui mare român care - pentru a-și desăvârși opera a trebuit să plece din țara în care s-a născut, să-și ia lumea în cap din cauza unui regim comunist represiv. Să luăm aminte ca astfel de lucruri să nu se mai petreacă pe plaiurile mioritice. Vă promiteam câteva texte inedite, azi testamentul lui EUGENE IONESCO
În acest moment, mi-e totuşi atât de rău încât îmi este greu să scriu.
Nici ideile nu-mi vin când durerea este atât de violentă.
Este aproape ora 5, va veni noaptea, noaptea pe care o detest dar care îmi aduce totuşi, câteodată, un somn atât de plăcut.
Mi se joacă piesele cam peste tot în lume şi cred că aceia care se duc să le vadă râd sau plâng, fără a simţi dureri prea violente.
Ştiu că se va sfârşi curând, dar, cum am spus-o de curând, fiecare zi este un câştig.
Mi-e greu să continui, din pricina acestui vid existenţial.
Câteodată vin să mă vadă prietenii, câţiva prieteni devotaţi. Îmi face mare plăcere să-i văd, dar după o oră obosesc. Oare ce altceva făceam, mai bine, înainte?
Cred că mi-am pierdut timpul şi că am alergat în van.
Îmi simt mintea goală şi mi-e greu să continui, nu din cauza durerilor ci a acestui vid existenţial de care e plină lumea, dacă pot spune că lumea este plină de vid.
Ca de obicei, mă gândesc că poate voi muri în această seară sau, să nădăjduim, mâine ori poimâine. Sau, chiar, cine ştie cât timp mai târziu.
Când nu mă gândesc la tot ce poate fi mai rău, mă plictisesc.
Câteodată mă gândesc că mă gândesc, mă gândesc că mă rog.
Cine ştie, poate că va fi totuşi ceva, va fi ceva. Poate că "după", va fi bucuria.
Care este forma lui Dumnezeu? Cred că forma lui Dumnezeu este ovală…
Am fost ajutat de mulţi oameni cărora le datorez recunoştinţă.
Am fost ajutat în carieră – carieră, cum se spune – de un mare număr de oameni cărora le datorez recunoştinţă.
A fost, mai întâi mama, care m-a crescut, care era de-o incredibilă tandreţe şi plină de umor în ciuda faptului că unul dintre copii îi murise la o vârstă fragedă şi că fusese abandonată – după cum am povestit adesea – de soţul ei, ce a lăsat-o singură în marele Paris.
Dar pe parcursul vieţii, mai ales soţia mea, Rodica, şi fiica mea, Marie-France, au constituit pentru mine cel mai mare ajutor.
Fără ele, este limpede că n-aş fi făcut nimic, n-aş fi scris nimic.
Le datorez şi le dedic întreaga mea operă.
Apoi, mai târziu, au fost toţi profesorii mei de la liceul din Bucureşti.
Datorez mult şi unui escroc, Kerz, care s-a declarat falit în ziua ultimei reprezentaţii cu "Rinocerii" la New York, ceea ce lui i-a adus, în 1940, suma de 10.000 de dolari, dar şi mie mi-a adus renumele în Statele Unite. El m-a ajutat fără să vrea.
Au fost, apoi, cronicile literare engleze şi franceze. În plus, aceste cronici au ridicat împotrivă pe criticii de stânga, care crezuseră la început că eu însumi sunt de stânga, aşa după cum ceilalţi mă credeau de dreapta.
Apoi, încă o dată, soţia mea, mereu soţia mea, care m-a obligat să-mi trec examenul de licenţă.
Şi mi-a făcut bine, dorind să mă distrugă, cea de-a doua soţie a tatălui meu, Lola, care m-a dat afară din casă, provocându-mă în acest fel să mă descurc şi să reuşesc.
Mi-au făcut bine profesorii de la Liceul Sf. Sava care m-au gonit din liceu, ceea ce m-a determinat să-mi iau bacalaureatul într-un liceu de provincie, ocrotit de sora soţiei mele, Angela, care ţinea o pensiune pentru liceeni (liceeni care, după câte ştiu eu, n-au reuşit în viaţă). Vagabondând de la unul la altul, de la unii la alţii, eu, cel fără adăpost, am acum unul din frumoasele apartamente din Montparnasse.
Am mai fost, în sfârşit, ajutat câteodată de rude mai mult sau mai puţin îndepărtate, de către mătuşa mea Sabina şi mătuşa mea Angela, de către profesori care îşi imaginau că am geniu.
Am fost ajutat, mai recent, în timpul războiului din 1940, de Anca, mama soţiei mele, care în ciuda durerii proprii, cu inima sfărâmată, i-a lăsat pe ginerele şi fiica ei să plece în Franţa. A murit, sperând să se reîntâlnească cu noi la Paris, unde nu a putut ajunge.
A murit cu această nădejde.
Poate Dumnezeu este acela care m-a ajutat toată viaţa şi eu nu mi-am dat seama.
Am fost ajutat de Dumnezeu atunci când, refugiat la Paris pentru că nu voiam să mă alătur comuniştilor de la Bucureşti, am plecat într-o zi la piaţă fără un ban în buzunar şi am găsit pe jos 3000 de franci (din 1940!).
Atâtea întâmplări mi-au venit în ajutor!
Poate Dumnezeu este acela care m-a ajutat toată viaţa, care mi-a sprijinit toate eforturile şi eu nu mi-am dat seama.
Am fost ajutat, apoi, de proprietarul meu din strada Claude Terrasse, dl.Colombel, Dumnezeu să-l binecuvânteze, care nu a cutezat să arunce în stradă un biet refugiat care nu-şi plătea chiria dar era poate trimis de Domnul.
În ciuda eforturilor mele, în ciuda preoţilor, n-am reuşit niciodată să mă las în voie, în braţele Domnului.
Şi astfel, din mână în mână, am ajuns să obţin un soi de enormă celebritate şi să ajung împreună cu soţia mea, la vârsta de 80 de ani, chiar 81 şi jumătate, cu frica morţii, cu nelinişte, fără a-mi da seama că Dumnezeu îmi dăruise atâtea binefaceri.
El n-a abolit, pentru mine, moartea, ceea ce mi se pare inadmisibil. În ciuda eforturilor mele, în ciuda preoţilor, n-am reuşit niciodată să mă las în voie, în braţele Domnului.
N-am reuşit să cred destul. Eu sunt, din păcate, ca omul acela despre care se spune că făcea în fiecare dimineaţă această rugăciune: “Doamne, fă-mă să cred în Tine”.
Ca toată lumea, nici eu nu ştiu dacă, de cealaltă parte, există ceva sau nu este nimic. Sunt tentat să cred, ca şi Papa Ioan Paul al II-lea, că se desfăşoară o luptă cosmică enormă între forţele tenebrelor şi cele ale binelui. Spre victoria finală a forţelor binelui, cu siguranţă, dar cum se va produce aceasta? Suntem oare fărâme dintr-un tot, sau suntem fiinţe care vor renaşte?
Lucrul care mă întristează poate cel mai mult este despărţirea de soţia şi fiica mea. Şi de mine însumi! Sper în continuitatea identităţii cu mine însumi, temporală şi supratemporală, traversând timpul şi în afara timpului.
Cu toate acestea, este greu să-ţi imaginezi o lume fără Dumnezeu.
Nu apărem pe pământ pentru a trăi. Apărem pentru a pieri şi a muri. Trăieşti copil, creşti şi foarte repede începi să îmbătrâneşti. Cu toate acestea, este greu să-ţi imaginezi o lume fără Dumnezeu. Este totuşi mai simplu să ţi-o imaginezi cu Dumnezeu.
S-ar putea spune că medicina modernă şi gerontologia doresc, prin toate mijloacele, să reconstruiască omul în plenitudinea sa, aşa cum divinitatea n-a putut s-o facă: în pofida bătrâneţii, a stricăciunii, a slăbiciunii etc. Să-i restituie omului integritatea, în imortalitate, aşa cum divinitatea n-a ştiut sau n-a vrut s-o facă. Cum n-a făcut-o divinitatea.
În acelaşi timp, în ciuda a orice, cred în Dumnezeu.
Înainte, sculându-mă în fiecare dimineaţă spuneam: slavă lui Dumnezeu care mi-a mai dăruit încă o zi. Acum spun: încă o zi pe care mi-a retras-o. Ce-a făcut Dumnezeu din toţi copiii şi vitele pe care I le-a luat lui Iov?
În acelaşi timp, în ciuda a orice, cred în Dumnezeu, pentru că eu cred în rău. Dacă răul există, atunci există şi Dumnezeu...
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